This morning my husband said, “It’s just one of those strange lines”. It seemed unusual until I realized he was talking about boundaries. Those “strange lines” that help us establish healthy relationships, improve communication and hold priorities; key qualities of successful people. The emotional lines that give us clarity about the people and personalities we encounter and help inform and guide us about who is allowed emotionally close.
Boundaries are not just about keeping others “out” they’re about keeping you “in”
Most of us have experienced a relationship or interaction with someone who disrespects or is even oblivious to boundaries. Ideally you could avoid or reduce interaction with such a person but sometimes interaction is required. What happens in those situations is varied and fluid. It’s about balancing your willingness to come to middle ground with how far you allow yourself to engage with another’s sometimes toxic emotions. By knowing your boundaries you can define your “strange line” and communicate what’s most important to you.
We teach people how to treat us
If you notice that you sometimes blame others for how they treat you then it’s time for a boundary “tune up”. Here are some ideas to identify and communicate them. You may not be able to stop people from boundary-crossing, but you can train yourself and others to reduce the frequency and intensity.
Notice how it feels when a boundary is crossed. Feelings travel to your awareness faster than thoughts so knowing the feeling can give you advanced warning and a few seconds to prepare.
- Have a practiced statement ready when you need it. It may be a clear request for what you want, a simple “NO” or something like, “I have a different priority”.
- Speak your statement the FIRST time a boundary is crossed. Others won’t know where your “strange line” is until you tell them.
- Be willing to have the other person disappointed or angry with your new behavior. You have changed the game and it may take them time to adapt.
- Resist the temptation to justify your boundary. By nature “strange lines”, that are uniquely yours, may not need justification. Defending a boundary may communicate that you are flexible when you’re not
- Know your values and your “walk-away” point.
Healthy boundaries help you establish and stick to what is most important for you. Success requires both giving people what they want AND establishing what you want. You may find increased productivity and well being when you identify and communicate your “strange lines”.
What happens when you say YES when you really want to say NO? What changes when you are successful in letting others know what is important to you?
